When Nobody's Watching
'Ok if I go out and skate for a while?' the kid asked.
'Sure,' I said.
'It's awesome out, you should go for a bike ride,' he said.
'I think I will,' I said. But I was still in the house when the kid returned, over an hour later.
'Did you ride?' he asked.
'No,' I said.
'You're a wierdo,' he said.
'Perhaps, but why do you think I'm a wierdo?' I asked.
'You're still here. You should go out and ride. It's awesome out,' he said.
He had a point. It -was- awesome out, a perfect change-of-season night, crisp and cool, a hint of crunchy leaves and football games and sweaters in the air. Out I went. It was the first time in nearly 2 weeks that I covered more than 5 miles at a stretch, and it felt good. Plus, as an added bonus, 16 miles later a question that's been chasing me for a while finally got the seeds of an answer.
The question: Do I want to 'do' music at this point in my life?
I do know the importance of having the question correct before you start peeling away the layers to the answer. I've screwed up the questions before, especially the BIG questions - this one is big - but I think I have the question correct. I've wrestled with it for nearly a year now.
Do I want to 'do' music at this point in my life?
Some history will bring the search into sharper relief. I've 'done' music as long as I can remember. My mother was/is a fine musician, playing for churches and musicals and weddings and funerals and schools and just about anything and everything. I sang in my first 'adult' choir when I was 7 or 8 years old. I attended the American Boychoir School (then the Columbus Boychoir School) one summer in 1970 on a scholarship. I played air piano at nine years old and later majored in piano in college. 'Musician' is an identification card I can whip out to show strangers who I am if necessary.
I've been the 'music guy' for the local Unitarian Universalist Church for over 10 years now. I was a hermit when I started playing there, seriously depressed after being dismissed as music director of a United Methodist Church here in Conservativesville, USA. That dismissal occured after I was 'outed' by a member of the Emmaeus community, a Christian community I belonged to and believed in. I still remember the hot shame, the embarassment, the sense of powerlessness. For a long while I would leave my apartment when I had to, longing for human contact yet being caustic to those who did try and reach out to me. The phone finally stopped ringing.
Just prior to that, my son's mom had cut me off from seeing my boy, 2 years old. She alleged molestation, and I had just begun a legal battle to get visitation rights when the 'church crap' went down. I'll spare you the details for now. It's another epic 'I got screwed' tale, but it has a GREAT, SATISFYING, UPLIFTING ending (really). However, I wouldn't know that at the time, and that battle falling on my shoulders at the precise time I was losing my religion didn't help much.
My ability to play, to 'do' music, brought me back to life. My friend (and landlord at the time) asked me to sub for him on piano at the local Unitarian Universalist fellowship. Over the next two years I became the music guy. He wanted to get out of having to play and I found that playing brought me back into a community. It worked, even as distrustful as I was, so gradually I found myself 'doing' music every Sunday again. It was therapy.
The church wanted to pay me and I said no. Then they finally demanded I take a salary and I did for a while, long enough to buy a really kick-ass sound system, before refusing a salary again.
Nowadays I just don't want to 'do' music, and that is a huge paradigm shift. I would rather be a member of the congregation singing the hymn, or (perhaps, maybe) a member of the choir instead of the choir director.
Yesterday during the bike ride another question presented itself. I love my time on the bike because disparate thoughts often organize themselves into interconnected ideas. Here is the new question: What do you do when nobody's watching? What talents do you pursue when other folks aren't around.
I do taiji, I ride my bicycle. I meditate, I read, I write (if you can call this writing). I listen to music. I enjoy music. It still grips me in a magic way, but I only 'do' music in public, never in private.
I'm still rolling this around in my head. I feel really at ease with the process.
'Sure,' I said.
'It's awesome out, you should go for a bike ride,' he said.
'I think I will,' I said. But I was still in the house when the kid returned, over an hour later.
'Did you ride?' he asked.
'No,' I said.
'You're a wierdo,' he said.
'Perhaps, but why do you think I'm a wierdo?' I asked.
'You're still here. You should go out and ride. It's awesome out,' he said.
He had a point. It -was- awesome out, a perfect change-of-season night, crisp and cool, a hint of crunchy leaves and football games and sweaters in the air. Out I went. It was the first time in nearly 2 weeks that I covered more than 5 miles at a stretch, and it felt good. Plus, as an added bonus, 16 miles later a question that's been chasing me for a while finally got the seeds of an answer.
The question: Do I want to 'do' music at this point in my life?
I do know the importance of having the question correct before you start peeling away the layers to the answer. I've screwed up the questions before, especially the BIG questions - this one is big - but I think I have the question correct. I've wrestled with it for nearly a year now.
Do I want to 'do' music at this point in my life?
Some history will bring the search into sharper relief. I've 'done' music as long as I can remember. My mother was/is a fine musician, playing for churches and musicals and weddings and funerals and schools and just about anything and everything. I sang in my first 'adult' choir when I was 7 or 8 years old. I attended the American Boychoir School (then the Columbus Boychoir School) one summer in 1970 on a scholarship. I played air piano at nine years old and later majored in piano in college. 'Musician' is an identification card I can whip out to show strangers who I am if necessary.
I've been the 'music guy' for the local Unitarian Universalist Church for over 10 years now. I was a hermit when I started playing there, seriously depressed after being dismissed as music director of a United Methodist Church here in Conservativesville, USA. That dismissal occured after I was 'outed' by a member of the Emmaeus community, a Christian community I belonged to and believed in. I still remember the hot shame, the embarassment, the sense of powerlessness. For a long while I would leave my apartment when I had to, longing for human contact yet being caustic to those who did try and reach out to me. The phone finally stopped ringing.
Just prior to that, my son's mom had cut me off from seeing my boy, 2 years old. She alleged molestation, and I had just begun a legal battle to get visitation rights when the 'church crap' went down. I'll spare you the details for now. It's another epic 'I got screwed' tale, but it has a GREAT, SATISFYING, UPLIFTING ending (really). However, I wouldn't know that at the time, and that battle falling on my shoulders at the precise time I was losing my religion didn't help much.
My ability to play, to 'do' music, brought me back to life. My friend (and landlord at the time) asked me to sub for him on piano at the local Unitarian Universalist fellowship. Over the next two years I became the music guy. He wanted to get out of having to play and I found that playing brought me back into a community. It worked, even as distrustful as I was, so gradually I found myself 'doing' music every Sunday again. It was therapy.
The church wanted to pay me and I said no. Then they finally demanded I take a salary and I did for a while, long enough to buy a really kick-ass sound system, before refusing a salary again.
Nowadays I just don't want to 'do' music, and that is a huge paradigm shift. I would rather be a member of the congregation singing the hymn, or (perhaps, maybe) a member of the choir instead of the choir director.
Yesterday during the bike ride another question presented itself. I love my time on the bike because disparate thoughts often organize themselves into interconnected ideas. Here is the new question: What do you do when nobody's watching? What talents do you pursue when other folks aren't around.
I do taiji, I ride my bicycle. I meditate, I read, I write (if you can call this writing). I listen to music. I enjoy music. It still grips me in a magic way, but I only 'do' music in public, never in private.
I'm still rolling this around in my head. I feel really at ease with the process.
posted by Woodog at 11:39 PM
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